What Is Mine To Do: Reflections On Just How Far To Leave My Religion Behind.

I love the Fall. The season of changes and endings has always had a special place in my heart. Autumn 2020 is a unique one and it has me thinking deeply about who I am. These last few weeks I have been vexed with a question that won’t let me go. This happens to me often during seasons of personal growth and change. A theme, idea, or question keeps coming back to me and I can’t seem to let it go. It’s a good sign that something significant is happening under the surface but it’s not exactly pleasant.

The question is this and it relates to my faith: Is it my job to move the Christian tradition forward or do I leave it behind entirely?

I have spent almost my entire life entrenched in the Christian faith. I attended church multiple times a week and twice on Sunday for as long as I can remember. It was so much a part of my life I made it my career. I loved it and it loved me back for a time.

But things are different now. I grew and I changed and in that transition I learned that the love of the church is anything but unconditional. I don’t blame them or hate them for firing me and ultimately blacklisting me. They behaved the exact way I should have expected them too and they upheld the tradition as they understood it to the letter. It was my fool optimism that kept me from seeing it.

Since then they have continued to uphold their interpretation of the Christian tradition and I am finding that maybe my optimism hid more than I could have possibly imagined. As evangelicals begin to openly flirt with White Nationalism and QAnon conspiracies I am realizing that I never really had a place in that tradition nor do I ever want to go back. I still like Jesus but if this is the result of following him in 2020 maybe I need to rethink that.

Which circles me back to my question; do I go back and try to make my mark on the Christian tradition or do I just leave it all behind? Both of these paths have their merits. There are fantastic people doing good work on both sides of this divide. But what is mine to do?

On the one hand the Christian faith was founded and grew in popularity as a critique of corrupt systems of oppression. It was founded as a sort of anti-empire and it served that purpose well…until it became an empire all its own. What started as a massive paradigm shift in how humanity viewed its relation to the divine became something quite different within about 300 years. 1700 years later the faith I fell in love with is almost completely entrenched in a system of religious oppression and cultural colonization. It isn’t good news for everyone and the people it is good news for seems to get more narrow and more white every year.

I believe that staying and working to bring the tradition forward could help a lot of people. I am well versed in the scriptures and know the tradition like the back of my hand. I see the threads of justice that flow through it and working to redeem them would be work of tremendous value. Marginalized communities are doing this well but my community can’t seem to get it. We stand against justice for our fellow Christians more often than not.

I can see the good in the tradition of my birth. I can see how it could be a tool of refreshing, compassion, and justice but I also don’t personally need it to be that thing to live a good life. I don’t need Christianity, or at least Western Christianity, to be something better than it is. I am no longer worried over my soul and I am more like Jesus now than I ever was.

Can the words of Jesus be used again to critique the system or has it become so corrupt and misguided that it must be left behind? I don’t know how I answer that question.

On the other hand I have tried to help Christianity become more like Christ and failed many times. Critiquing a religious tradition without getting run out of town is no easy task. Not even Jesus was successful at this and after his death neither were his followers. They eventually found themselves so different from the tradition of their birth that they left it behind to form a new tradition. Maybe it is time for us to do the same.

When people are certain that their way of viewing the world is the only correct one and that any person telling them differently is a devil there isn’t much room for discussion. You can only lead a horse to water and watch it refuse to drink so many times. Staying in the Christian tradition seems like a oneway trip to heartache and madness. I have largely stopped trying and am genuinely happy with that decision. Let them have their version of Jesus they cling to so violently; it never seemed like the real thing to me anyway.

Here is the rub, leaving the tradition and demonstrating that life is just fine outside also would help a lot of people. I know many friends that are faithful church goers not because their heart is in it but because their friends are there or it is just what you are supposed to do. This is fine but there are other ways to spend your time than in religious obligation. Trust me when I say that non church friends are just as good if not better than church ones. Religious ties are a poor substitute for real connection.

I have learned that faith, growth, transformation, and love can be found in abundance right where you are. You don’t need a church or Christianity to experience them. If Jesus is what you are looking for I can tell you that he is hard to find inside the beige walls of a church building. If Jesus makes you cringe because of all the evil done in his name you can find what you need outside. The divine is large enough for us all and isn’t so dominated by frail human egos that it is picky about what you call it.

Being the kind of person that charts an abundant path out has its appeal but it also has relational costs. I don’t like burning bridges and lines in the sand aren’t that appealing to me. Hanging in the tradition to try and change it doesn’t do that as much. Leaving and starting over isn’t something I want to do lightly.

And so this is where I am. I am at a crossroads. I don’t know for certain where I am headed but I know that I can’t go back. I can’t go back to white supremacy coddling evangelicalism. I can’t go back into the arms of conditional love and limited acceptance wrapped in slick branding. I have to move on I am just not sure exactly how far to go.

And yes, I will concede that I there are many wonderful people who call Christianity home but the number of good ones seems like it is dwindling every day. I am beginning to think that those that continue to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly do these things in spite of their connection to Americanized Christianity and not because of it. They don’t need it for them to do good in the world any more than I do.

I have searched for healthy and beautiful expressions of Christianity, I know they are out there, but after looking for over 30 years and trying to build it for over 10 I think I have done my part. If Christianity was so good for the world it would be ordinary for it to be anti-racist, truth telling, and humane. We would not have to search our whole lives for the exceptional it would simply be the norm. History, both my personal history and world history, tells a different story.

I have watched people who give their time and money to aid people in Central America cheer as our government rounded up and caged them. They are celebrated and given positions of leadership while those calling for justice are sidelined and fired.

I have watched pastors and professors who pride themselves on speaking the truth rendered utterly mute as white nationalism and conspiracy theories run through their congregation. The real truth is they would rather continue telling their congregants what their ears want to hear than endanger their position.

I have watched people withhold donations from organizations that got too “liberal” but continue to support organizations like those run by Franklin Graham. His racism and lies do not bother them but knowing a nonprofit might hire a homosexual causes them to flee.

Where pockets of what I see as Jesus centered Christianity do exist the mockery they have to endure from the vocal majority of Christians is palpable. These expressions are also usually very small, underfunded, with a small staff that is overworked. When I attend I can’t help but remember all the mockers opening their wallets for American exceptionalism and it makes me weep. Maybe I should stick it out but it’s miserable.

I want the Christian tradition to live up to its ideals but I am also tired of giving my heart and the benefit of the doubt. My instinct is to leave entirely but also feel a responsibility to save the ship or at least the passengers. I continually wrestle with what it mine to do when it comes to my faith, I think it is important work, but the answers don’t come easy. Faith should not be this hard.

While I would like an answer I also realize that I don’t need one to function. This is important for anyone wrestling with this kind of dilemma. Regardless of where I land I will continue to fight for justice, mercy, and love. These are the things that will not change. I may not know where I land on Christianity but I do know what is right by my fellow humans. This I believe is self evident to anyone paying attention. Maybe that is all good religion is for, to help us come to these most basic of loving conclusions. When it stops doing that it rightfully should be destroyed.

Perhaps I already have my answer and I just don’t know how to step into it or what to call it. That’s ok too. I trust myself to figure it out. I already have all I need. It is my firm belief that all of us do. It just might take time.

Are you in a similar place? How have you resolved this for yourself?