The Kingdom of Heaven is Within You: The 5 Phases of Faith Deconstruction
My body was going through the motions but I wasn’t really there. I ate the bread and the wine (ok, juice) but all I felt was soggy disappointment where the presence of God used to be. Every bone in my body wanted to walk out but I was being paid to be there so I pretended that I was experiencing union between myself and my savior. In reality all I was experiencing was hunger. My faith was falling apart and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Most people experience doubts at some point in their lives but for over half of believers those doubts will blossom into a full deconstruction of their faith. Faith deconstruction, in case this is a new term for you, is the process of picking apart the faith you were raised in. It is both something you do and something that is done to you. Questioning your bedrock beliefs is a normal part of development but when it goes beyond what your religious community finds acceptable it can feel stressful and isolating.
Faith deconstruction is a complex thing. Each person experiences it differently. For some it starts with doubts, for others it is a loss of a felt connection to God, some face a tragedy that their religious language can’t wrap around, and sadly others are violated by trusted religious leaders. Often times it is a mix of all four. However it finds you it can be a daunting task to approach alone.
I want to try and normalize this process and make it a little less uncertain. As a former religious professional and longtime doubter I have experienced deconstruction myself and seen it many times in people I love. While the specifics are different for everyone I believe there are five general themes or phases that people typically go through. These phases don’t last the same amount of time and don’t always occur in this exact order but the journey through them is similar.
It is my hope that in examining these you can have a little more grace for yourself as your faith shifts. This process isn’t easy but if you find yourself deep in deconstruction I want to be a hopeful light in the darkness for you. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but this might be the best thing that ever happens to you.
1. Questions, Doubts, and Losses
Everything starts with questioning. Every worthwhile relationship, scientific discovery, religious epiphany, and political breakthrough begins with a question. Questions drive human intellectual evolution and so it is no wonder that your faith deconstruction begins with a question.
This phase is generally a passive one. It is something that happens to you that you were not expecting. Little things start to bother you that you took for granted and the questions arise seemingly out of nowhere. Why do we do that? Do I really believe that? What does this really mean? There must be more than this answer, right?
Maybe it is simply an uneasiness at the way everyone seems to have a confidence that this is all true and you just can’t seem to muster that anymore. You might not know what to ask yet but you feel a loss of comfort you once had and it just won’t go away.
For a growing number of people this phase begins with an awakening to their own experience of religious trauma or abuse. This is a painful process because disentangling the religion and the abuser is itself a type of trauma. If this is you I am deeply sorry for what was done to you and I want you to know that you are not alone. I hope as you deconstruct you rediscover the peace that the religion of your youth took from you.
How to handle this phase well:
Regardless of how you got here I want to reassure you that you are not as alone as you feel. Many people have questions about their faith and you don’t have to have it all figured out just yet. What you are experiencing is normal.
Some people stay in this phase for years and others never seem to move on from it. The important thing to remember is that these questions aren’t bad. They are a sign of maturity.
When you experience this find a safe place where you can ask your questions out loud. If you are fortunate this can be with a spouse or trusted friend. If you cannot do that there are various online communities that can help and I highly recommend a nonreligious therapist. If you don’t find a way to get these doubts out they will come out at unexpected times and places. Finding a trusted space will make the next few legs of your faith deconstruction go much better.
2. The Quest for the Truth
Over time your questions accumulate to a point where you are more uneasy in your current religious setting than you are at ease. You reach a point where you sense that something has to be done about it because you feel like your faith is now in danger of falling apart altogether. You can’t just let the questions happen to you anymore you have to go out and find answers even if it hurts.
This phase for me began with a prayer. I was feeling lost and wasn’t sure how I was going to get out. I asked God to show me what the truth was and even if that truth wasn’t Christianity I wanted to know anyway. It was a question rooted in my understanding at the time but it was earnest and has born more fruit than I ever expected.
Regardless of how it starts this phase results in you expanding out beyond your comfort zone because you can no longer find the answers that you are seeking in the safety of your religious community. You have to start looking outside to calm the turmoil inside.
How to handle this phase well:
Normally this phase begins with the unspoken intention to get back to the place you started. You are trying to recover what your faith once was but the truth is it almost never ends up like that. Understanding this at the beginning will save you years of hardship. This is a quest that will change you; you can never go back from this point.
I tried for a long time to ask my questions to fellow pastors but I quickly realized that my circle could not handle the caliber of questions I was asking. This isn’t because they weren’t intelligent I was just in a different place. For this phase to bear the fruit it is meant to bear you are going to have to find new sources of information. Read “banned” books, follow the “wrong” people on Twitter, have dinner with “notorious sinners.” At the very least this will start to give you the feel for what kind of path you are on.
You will face a chorus of concerned voices during this time. I think conservative strains of Christianity in particular actively discourage going outside the system. They know, at a subconscious level at least, that once you start looking outside it won’t be long before you leave. Be prepared for many people to pass you copies of “The Case for Christ” and gentle reminders to “just have faith.” As much as you can, receive them in the spirit they are given. That kindhearted nudging will end all too soon.
3. The Breaking Point
There comes a time when your questioning becomes too much and makes the wrong people uncomfortable. This could take the form of an argument over the holidays, getting asked for “coffee” with a leader in your church, or if you are a pastor a meeting with the board to discuss “concerns.”
These encounters often begin in sincerity but tend to reach a relational impasse that creates a clear choice for you to keep going or turn back. Relationally the breaking point is the most painful. It can happen at anytime in the deconstruction process but I have placed it in the middle because this is where it typically falls for most people.
If you are a pastor or leader in the church this is the point where you have to make the difficult choice between the job you love and the integrity that enables you to do that job well. If you are a layperson this point requires you to decide to continue supporting a church that felt like home and the spiritual wilderness before you. The breaking point isn’t easy and requires many hard conversations and difficult choices. Be brave and trust the voice inside you. It won’t lead you astray.
How to handle this phase well:
While the breaking point is often ugly there are ways to manage the damage. If you are able to, try to leave quietly. For pastors this is particularly important. When I left I made a big deal about not lying to people. I wanted everyone to know the reason I was getting fired. In retrospect I think I could have handled this with integrity without putting everyone’s nose in it. As long as there is not abuse happening try to find a way tell the truth and walk out in a peaceful way.
This phase will show you who your real friends are. The process of discovering who they are will be painful but rest assured that those who stick with you after this point are your friends indeed. The ones that fall away because you don’t share the same beliefs probably weren’t real friends. Save your energy and don’t try to win them back.
Realize that after some time and distance this might be the most liberating phase you experience. The cat is out of the bag and you have the freedom to be public about your transformation. This is a good thing. It might even be the best thing that happens to you.
4. Sliding Down the Rabbit Hole
When I got out of the church world it was very disorienting. My wife and I honestly didn’t even know how to make friends let alone figure out what we believed about the universe. It was a time of great freedom but at the same time we felt lost. We could not go back to what was, that ship had sailed, but we didn’t know what we were becoming either.
Where the Breaking Point is relationally painful the Rabbit Hole is existentially painful. Shifts in belief often move from the casual to the foundational. The house of cards falls down and you realize you can’t go back. In order to become the next version of yourself something in your current self needs to die. It was during this time that I had a profound dream where my dream-self said, “I can’t be a caterpillar anymore and I would like to be a butterfly but I really don’t want to be a cocoon.” Thanks dream-self, you said it perfectly.
My butterfly dream came to me when I started seriously doubting in many of the exclusive claims of my Christian faith. I wasn’t just questioning the practices of a particular branch of the faith I was questioning the value of the whole tree. I personally know quite a few people in this exact same position and I want to say this clearly; you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are getting clear about what is true and what is not. This is valuable, profound, and prophetic work. Don’t stop. Keep going all the way down to Wonderland.
How to handle this phase well:
This is scary phase because if you were raised as an evangelical you have a lot to mental real estate dedicated to the idea that people like you are going to hell. This cognitive dissonance between what you were always told was true and what you now feel in your bones is true can get maddening. Trusted friends, sympathetic online communities, and nonreligious therapy are going to be an invaluable resource here.
When I was tumbling down the rabbit hole I often found myself getting angry and lashing out at people from my past. Some of this is normal and might even be healthy if they are pestering you to come back to a place you don’t want to go. That said, make sure you know the difference between defending your boundaries and invading someone else’s. You will make mistakes here; understand that this too is part of the process.
During this season you will find many of what I call “false bottoms.” You will think that you have hit the bottom of this journey only to realize that there was more to doubt and question. For me this was when I really started to question the claims about Jesus’ divinity. I thought for sure that those were sacred enough that I would not doubt them but then one day it all opened up and I was going further down the rabbit hole.
Surrender to the process and even learn to enjoy it. I believe strongly that one if the key features of us as humans is that we are inquisitive. We want to know about the world we live in and this is a sacred gift. If you are worried that God will strike you down because you don’t believe like you used to fear not; no divine being worth the name is alarmed by sincere questioning.
Expect “false bottoms” and welcome them. You are doing internal spring cleaning. Some of these old beliefs will be thrown out for good and others might just be moved around and placed in a different place on your mental shelf. Try to enjoy what you find. This is what healing looks like.
5. Equilibrium and Rediscovery
Most of us growing up in religious circles learned to mistrust our intuition. We were taught that we were corrupt and that we had no way of knowing what good really was. This is complete bullshit.
Once you reach the bottom, whatever that looks like for you, you will see what the path forward is. It won’t look familiar but it will feel like it was made for you. As you start walking you will begin to instinctively know what is right and have the strength to name it as such. I wish I could describe this more clearly but this is honestly new territory for me too. I am learning to trust myself and it is a powerful and sacred thing. The Kingdom of Heaven truly is on the inside.
As you find balance and comfort with the loss of what your faith used to be you will start the process of moving forward and rediscovering what you always believed to be true. I purposefully choose to not use the word “reconstruction” because I don’t think that is the goal. Reconstruction, at least in my experience, is another false bottom. It is an attempt to rebuild what was lost and I just can’t do that.
I use the word rediscovery because in my experience I am learning that the beliefs I hold now were the ones I always had before a religious system paved over them. I knew what was true from the start and I am rediscovering the perennial tradition that has been waiting inside the whole time.
How to handle this phase well:
You cannot live in total limbo forever. You can’t build a life around “I don’t know” because there are some things that regardless of how you have changed you do in fact know.
You might not know if God exists anymore but you do know that it is better to heal than to harm. You might not know if the church is a force for good or a force for evil but you do know that treating your neighbor with kindness is the right thing to do. You might not know what the correct thing to believe is but you can practice the correct things each new day.
Start there.
As you practice you may be genuinely surprised what beliefs come back. You might find that your belief in God is stronger now than ever even if what you mean by “God” has changed. Then again you might find that you never believe in God again; I won’t make any promises any belief will come back. What I will say is that it is possible to have a joyful and compassionate life regardless of the label you put on it. It looks different for everyone. The good news is that what happens from this point on is up to you.
Deconstruction can be a scary thing. The ego feels safe in a system even if that system is suffocating and does harm. Letting go and seeing just how far the rabbit hole goes is a liberating experience and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I hope that my words can help you along the way.
So what about you? How have you experienced deconstruction? I would love to hear your stories in the comments.
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Originally published at www.justingentry.online.
