If you can’t tell the truth where you are; leave.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to write something honest and I chickened out. An old friend had started to experience success as a writer and was asking for guest submissions to their blog. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to get my name out there so I read a few of their posts to see what they were looking for and got to work right away.

I am not sure how writing works for you but for me it often begins with a seed of an idea that I water and let grow where it wants. There are some things I can control and others that I can’t foresee. It feels almost magical when nothing starts to turn into something faster than my fingers can keep up.

This was not one of those times.

For this particular article I had a strong premise and I could feel like it had something significant to say. I enjoyed watching it grow but then at a key point it started to turn on me. The article rounded a corner and suddenly what it wanted to say was at odds with what I felt comfortable saying.

At the time I was a pastor in a conservative denomination and I had very strict restrictions on what I was allowed to say publicly and what I had best keep to myself. The specific corner this article was leading me around was in openly affirming the LGBTQ community which at the time I was forbidden from even thinking about let alone writing it down. This little article wanted to expand my horizons and the horizons of my readers but it was much safer to keep it small.

So I changed it. I minced words, made the examples less specific, and wrote it in such a way that I could have an out if someone confronted me on it. Basically I ended up saying nothing.

I submitted the article anyway but ultimately it wasn’t published. I don’t really blame my friend. I ran across it recently and looking back I can honestly say it wasn’t good. It was trying so hard to not say the wrong thing that it ended up not saying anything at all.

The restrictions kept me from telling the truth about what I was seeing.

I realized that day that there was no way I could become the writer I wanted to be in that environment. The limitations it placed on me were keeping me from creating the work I was being invited to create. I needed to get out but I was scared and it would involve leaving everything I knew.

I shoved that feeling down as far as it could go. I told the Muse thanks but no thanks. I see where you are leading me and I don’t think I can do that today…maybe tomorrow. That tomorrow became another day, another week, another year. Almost three years after leaving that environment I am just now rediscovering the truths the writing wanted to teach me back then.

Here is an important reality; my inability to create wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine. It would be easy to blame my friend for not giving me a shot or the church for not being open enough but the choices I made that got me to that point were made by me. I was the one choosing to live in an environment that restricted my growth as a person and as a creative. There were benefits and I was proud of the work I was able to do but I feel like those years wasted a significant amount of my potential.

There is some good sense in following rules and a personal code but ultimately if you are living in a space that requires you to be smaller than what you know you are capable of you need to get out. Nurturing your creative gifts and internal vitality is sacred work. No one is benefitting from you playing small in order to be accepted.

Life is too short for that noise.

If you are feeling a bit stifled I think an important question is this; what are you not allowed to say? What is that thing inside you that you Know with a capital K that needs to be said but isn’t being said? This, I submit, is your work to do and it is important that you take it seriously.

Should you upend your life and sell everything to do it? Maybe, maybe not. At the very least you owe it to yourself to get into an environment where you can say what you need to say with complete freedom. This will require changes and some pain but trust me on this it is worth it.

What you cannot do is remain small and shrink from the task. The Muse has a way of bringing these things back to you. You can pay the price now on your own terms or later under someone else’s terms but ultimately these things do come out. It is better to be proactive.

I look back on my time of refusal as essential to my journey, every hero refuses the call at least once right? But it does not always have to be so and it certainly doesn’t have to take so long. If you are feeling like there is something in you that wants to be born but you aren’t allowed to let it out start planning your moves now. Don’t wait any longer. Your future finances, mental health, and creativity will thank you later.

The world needs more creative thinkers. Don’t douse your spark.

If you have a story about how you found your creativity I would love to hear it in the comments.