I Stopped Believing In The Devil And Found What I Was Always Looking For.
It was about 10am and an anxiety attack hit me out of nowhere. The only thing that was working to keep the panic at bay was mindless distraction. I bounced all over the house going from phone to computer to TV and back again. It was a comical ping-pong match of visual consumption that I could not seem to stop for fear of really loosing it.
In a past life I would have assumed that this “attack” was the work of the devil. When times like this happened I would shove my feelings down, ignore my desires, and mutter a Bible verse or two for good measure. On the best of days this tactic had mixed results.
For much of my religious upbringing the message I walked away with was that the body and its signals were something to be suspicious of. The human form was ultimately just the disposable, sometimes deceptive, vessel that carried my immortal spirit around. If I was feeling something negative it probably wasn’t “me” but my body being used by the devil to harass me. This internalized belief destroyed my confidence in myself and left me defeated for many years.
I am just going to say this now to get it out there; I don’t believe in the devil anymore. This isn’t to say that I don’t believe spiritual evil is a thing; I just reject the way we have characterized Satan in modern Christianity. If a fallen archangel really was running about I think they would have better things to do than tempt Joe from Human Resources to steal a doughnut or look at pornography. If there is a devil, it is probably me and the call is actually coming from inside the house.
Some might be thinking, “You have fallen into the devil’s trap! The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist!” To this I would say that most of what we think we know about the devil is actually pop-cultural nonsense. For example, the above quote is from The Usual Suspects; great movie but not a spiritual text. More importantly, I would say that if minimizing or completely disbelieving in the devil actually opens the doors to helping a person deal with their issues then I think that is a win for everyone.
I am in this for measurable transformation not golden stars for how many religious beliefs I can hold.
In my experience too many Christians externalize their internal desires. They blame the devil or another person for their faults rather than accept their flaws and deal with them. The results are clear to people with eyes to see. The sheer number of priests, ministers, and church members engaging in all manner of secret evil should give us a clue that the way we deal with bodily desires isn’t working. When we disassociate from our drives and place them on a thing “out there” we also become powerless to stop them.
I have a theory which is that we often project what we cannot accept. When something rises up in me that I cannot make sense of I push it out of myself onto something or someone else. For example, if you cannot accept responsibility for your body and its desires you will make those desires someone else’s fault. This is essentially the foundation of religious modesty culture. Men and boys cannot accept their drives and so they are taught to project the fault onto women’s bodies. If “they” are making me sin then I can still think of myself as good.
This cycle causes real damage and is why many religious people are walking around defeated all the time. When all your desires are another person’s fault, a corrupt body’s baggage, or an ancient devil’s trick there is no way you will find freedom. It will never happen no matter how much you surrender to Jesus.
Once I realized this I knew I had to make a shift in my thinking. Projecting my problems and rejecting my body’s natural signals just wasn’t working anymore. I decided that rather than externalize or ignore what was happening I was going to take radical responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions. In doing this I found the freedom to live the kind of life religion told me it offered.
I am not hopelessly messed up. There is no devil out to get me. I am a human person in a complex universe. This is something I can manage.
Let’s go back to that morning where I was having a panic attack. That day I tried a different tactic than the one I grew up with. I got quiet and I asked myself, specifically my body, what was going on. It wasn’t too long before I got a response. I made an instinctual beeline toward our stainless steel coffeepot and opened it up. Sure enough, it was empty. I did some quick math and I had drunk about four cups worth of very strong coffee in the span of about an hour.
It isn’t a mystery why I was bouncing off the walls, feeling tons of anxiety, and wanting desperately to distract myself from it. I was experiencing the common side effects of excessive consumption of a stimulant. I wasn’t under satanic attack or in some spiritual battle. I was not taking care of my body and it was letting me know what was up.
These days when the fear of death, desire to overeat, craving to sleep around, or the need to fight someone rises up in me I accept them as valid feelings. I realize that they are bubbling up for very real and normal reasons. They aren’t devils, they are messengers trying to tell me something important.
Maybe they are telling me I am stressed. Maybe I am afraid of getting older. Maybe I am lonely and in desperate need of connection. Maybe I just haven’t eaten in a while (or eaten poorly) and it is having a negative effect on me. I accept the underlying reasons for my “sins” and let them be just that.
This isn’t to say that every desire is good or that things like mental illness or physical disability can’t interfere. It is just to say that maybe what you used to call temptations or spiritual attacks are actually your body’s way of telling you something is in need of attention. Repressing them will only get you more of the same.
So the next time you are experiencing something you are tempted to externalize take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself what these feelings are telling you. Before you run from them try to listen to them. You might even try thanking them.
The devil wasn’t sending an anxiety attack that day; my body was letting me know I had had too much. I thanked my body for all it was trying to teach me and promised to remember it’s lessons tomorrow. I drank some water and moved on with my day.
I think this is all that is asked of us.
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