Have a past that won’t leave you alone? Maybe you need to break up.

As my college days were coming to a close I had many ideas about what I might do next. One of the top contenders was going to stunt training school to be a movie stuntman. There was something in me that wanted to face my genuine fear of danger by jumping out of exploding buildings for a living.

Needless to say this didn’t work out. I took an internship in Miami instead.

I have had a good life since then but every now and then that little stunt performer comes back and reminds me of how I backed out. He reminds me that I didn’t face my fears and that I would have had a better life if I had gone with him.

He is kind of a jerk and every now and then when I am feeling down about my life I listen to him. It does not go well.

We all have a past. There are probably dozens of “past selves” bouncing around in your head. Sometimes they are just memories but some of them become full-blown personalities with opinions about your current self.

Those are the worst.

— Maybe in the past you wanted something big but you don’t want it now. You now see it was foolish to want that but there is a part of you that is disappointed you didn’t go for it anyway.

— Maybe your worldview has gone through some drastic changes but there is a past version of yourself who is disappointed with who you have become.

— Maybe you used to be happy but have experienced a trauma and can’t go back there. Memories of past happiness have become judgments about your present grief.

— Maybe you did something you deeply regret. The consequences of that day now carry into the present. The person that did those things is not the person regretting them now but their poor judgement haunts you all the same.

Here is something to remember; you are not that person anymore. Those memories are not you. Each day you wake up a different person. This is the miracle and the mystery of consciousness.

When my stunt performer or any other past self rears his head I like to remind him he doesn’t know all the facts. I know now that his choices led to this moment. I exist because of him. I try to be grateful for what he was even if he is a bit of fool.

I love that guy but that does not mean I listen to him.

Maybe there is a version of you somewhere in your head too. I don’t know what that person is saying to you but I do know that they are not you anymore. They are the ghost of a person that does not exist anymore. Someone wiser has taken their place.

Sometimes when a particularly strong voice from my past comes to haunt me I have a little talk with it. This probably sounds crazy but hey, crazy works sometimes.

There are lots of ways to do it.

Sometimes you just need to remind that voice, “That was then, this is now.” Repeat it to yourself every time regret comes knocking at your door.

Put the past in its place and let it know it does not have power over you anymore. You are basically saying, “Thank you for logging the complaint. Now please kindly get out of the driver’s seat.”

If that does not work you might need to consider doing some focused meditation around this issue. Sit quietly with this past version of yourself. Why is it bothering you constantly? What is it trying to tell you?

Sometimes these annoying thoughts, patterns, and voices are trying to tell us a truth about ourselves. Listen graciously and learn to love who you were.

If these things do not work it might be time to call a professional. There is no shame in getting help to process thought past pains and regrets.

Most cities have counseling services that are affordable and scalable to your income. If you want to get healthy sometimes this is the best way.

Whatever you end up doing here is an important thing to remember; don’t hide from your past or repress it. What you must do is confront it, hear what it has to say, and put appropriate boundaries around it.

Willfully forgetting or denying its existence prolongs the pain.

You get to make new choices today. Go and make them. Your future self will thank you for it.

Call to Action:

Do you have a past? Have you ever had to confront it? What did you learn from the experience?

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