Every day I wrestle with self-doubt. Here is how I handle it.
I want to be a writer. Not just a hobby writer like I am now but a real paid professional. This has been a dream of mine for a number of years but there was always something in the way that kept me down and constantly treading water.
That thing was me.
Well not really “me” but a part of my mind whose role in my life has exceeded its intended purpose. This thing was my crippling sense of self-doubt and I want to share with you how I am learning to deal with it.
At first, I believed my doubts
For the longest time I believed my doubts. When I heard the voice in my head say that I wasn’t good enough or that I did not deserve my dreams I reflexively nodded in agreement. Over the years I worked harder and harder to make myself worthy in my own eyes but this I came to find out only fed my doubts and made them stronger.
I got caught in an endless cycle of working hard to build up my confidence only to have a wayward thought or comment tear it down. I was never smart enough, clever enough, funny enough, or thoughtful enough to succeed. I lived like this for years.
Then I learned something that may come as a shock to you; not every voice in your head is yours. I don’t mean to say that there are literal angels or demons whispering in your ear, I don’t really believe that anymore, but what I mean is there are instincts and desires which are part of your biology that occasionally sound the alarm even when there is nothing wrong. These “demons” feel like they are real when they actually aren’t (more on this later).
Once I started getting a taste for the difference between the anxious thoughts that come into my head and thoughts that genuinely reflected my truest self the game totally changed. I felt like I could do anything. What I did not realize though is that this is just the first step. I had a long way to go before I would make significant progress.
Then I tried to ignore my doubts.
When I recognized that this voice wasn’t really telling the truth I started to ignore it. A thought would come in and I would ruthlessly crush it out. This felt empowering at first but I came to realize that this only made the self-doubt more creative.
Instead of open self-doubt it now came at me like this: Sure you can write that book but do you have enough experience? Maybe you need to take another class or perhaps you need to get a real job and become more financially secure before you start out on your own. Also, make sure you don’t burn any bridges by saying what you truly feel. Keep the best stuff to yourself; that random person from your past might get offended if you tell the truth.
See how insidious it is?
These thoughts were maddening and when I realized what was happening I felt defeated all over again. I would often wonder why self-doubt is my go-to mode of thinking? Why do I keep having this voice in my head that tells me I am full of shit? Why does this thing cause me to doubt everything and convince me I have not earned the right to tell my own story? Why does it remind me of every time I have messed up and forget every time I succeed?
In short, it was exhausting.
Even as I type this I keep wanting to add a “Well granted…” to give examples of times where that voice was right about my lack of qualifications. It is such a tricky little mind pest that I couldn't shake it by ignoring but I also couldn’t live with anymore. There had to be another way.
Over time I realized something important and I think you might find it helpful. While I don’t think this voice is “me” I also don’t think it wants to do me harm either. There have been times when self-doubt has been useful. I specifically remember one time rock climbing in Colorado and wanting to jump from one ledge to another. I got all ready to go and then a little voice said that the rocks were unstable and the jump was too far. There was no way I would make it.
That voice was right and it saved my life.
The problem isn’t self-doubt; the problem is that this messenger of truth had been supercharged and needed some loving redirection. So I set out to do just that.
Now I thank my doubts.
It has taken a lot of time but I now realize that my self-doubt serves a purpose and it is ultimately a good one. Going back to biology, our brains evolved during a time when standing out and taking risks was something that got you killed. For the frightened human surrounded by saber-toothed tigers it pays to stay small and hidden. I realized that millions of years of social and biological pressure have placed in me a powerful incentive to just go along with the program. My self-doubt is an expression of this.
Seen in this light I understand now that my self-doubt is just trying to keep me safe. In the modern world this ancient part of me doesn’t really have the job it once did so it finds another job to do. Instead of scanning the horizon for threats it scans me for things that might make me a target. It is constantly trying to make me doubt myself so that I stay small and safe. This isn’t a bad thing it just isn’t helpful to me right now.
When the self-doubting voice comes calling I now try to thank it. This may sound crazy but I and learning that the only thing these rogue programs in my brain want to do is help. Self-doubt wants to be of service but I have to let it know that the effort it is spending policing me isn’t the best use of its time and our energy.
— When that frightened little animal tries to keep me small and safe from predators I tell it I am an adult now and can take care of myself.
— When that victim of many wrongs tells me to just keep my head down I tell it there isn’t anything to be afraid of anymore.
— When that perfectionist in there worries that what I make isn’t going to be perfect I tell it that we are doing the best we can and a decent thing shipped is better than a perfect thing undone. Besides, it is always perfect in your head but it is magical when it is in the world.
This is how I work through my crippling self-doubt. I don’t try to stamp it down or ignore it. I certainly don’t believe it anymore. I simply try to thank it for doing its job and remind it that there is a better way. The amazing thing is that it works. I feel more satisfied with my work and actually have the space for things like ambition and self-assurance.
It hasn’t been easy and I certainly still fail from time to time but it is a relief to not be at war with myself anymore. When we face our inner demons with the kindness they deserve they transform into the messengers of light they always were. This is a divine grace and it is my hope that you too can find the confidence, passion, and creativity you were always meant to embody.
How are you learning to cope with your self-doubts?
